Skip to main content

Ugh...

My mind is such a mess right now. Even when I have a long sleep it's broken and full of nightmares. I can't stop shaking, I can't stop my head from spinning. I'm scared. I've never felt anything like this before, and I worry that I'll never turn back from this breakdown. I was doing so well, I'd gone a whole year without cutting, or getting depressed, and now the cuts and the horrible memories are back again. I've never felt more isolated than I do now. I'm scared. Terrified. And I can't think of anything but the incident.

This started with a dream. I have dreams sometimes, that are particularly real and vivid. When I have these dreams, in the space of around a year they will come true. This had happened every single time, and trying to break them has never worked.

The terrifying part is last time I had a dream like this, a dream so vivid and realistic it felt like I was there in person, I was being raped again. So now I'm stuck with this paranoia, wondering if and when this is going to happen.  I couldn't take it if this happened again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Goodbye

I haven't posted on this blog much. I didn't think I needed to. I guess I was wrong. I cut pretty deep this time, and I plan to cut deeper. I don't see a point in continuing in this life any more, no one important will miss me anyway; people don't need broken tools in their workshop. They would be better off throwing them out instead of holding onto them, trying to fix them but just making it worse. This is likely the last time I'll write on this blog. Thank you to anyone who's read it. Perhaps I'll see you in the next life. This is goodbye.
3 comments
Read more

My background and story

I had originally planned to do this particular post in multiple sections, but i realised that this blog is for me to vent my current feelings, not to talk about my past. I have split this post into different sections.    -E. About me. I might be different from most people with my difficult past and quiet mannerisms, but that doesn't stop me from having a dream. And as far as dreams go, I'm slowly on my way to accomplishing it. I study public services at college. This means I am able to partake in fitness classes, learn about what I'm passionate about and take those first steps towards achieving my goal. Because, despite everything that has happened to me, my dream is to make the world a better place. And not just that, I dream of becoming an officer. I think that people who commit crimes for no reason other than to pleasure themselves are the lowest of the low; but though they sometimes make me feel like committing pleasure-crimes of my own, I also think that the...
1 comment
Read more

READ FIRST - What this blog is about

I am a rape victim. I have PTSD and depression. I haven't made this blog for pity; I haven't made this blog for attention. I am here to share with you what it is like to be battling various mental problems on a daily basis. And venting my emotions onto here makes me feel at least a small bit better. Don't expect routine updates, and don't expect to ever find out who I am. I wish to remain anonymous so that I can share my story with the community, without the people that know me finding out who I am... and what I am. I warn you now, before you get into my blog: the content I post here may be triggering, and it may stir some deep emotions. -E.
Post a Comment
Read more